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Question

My husband is a alcoholic but yet doesn't know it. I was wondering some side effects on illness from alcohol he has yellowish eyes, sore back/side after large amounts of beer. He has a swollen stomach that is hard as a rock, but is not heavy anywhere else. He now has swollen ankles and part of leg. He is just a beer drinker and says he is ok cause he only drinks beer? If you can't help him give me information on how to help me.

Answer

Hello
I regret that you have to experience alcoholism in your husband; I know how painful that is. Every 12 ounces of beer usually has the equivalent alcohol content of one shot of liquor, or more. The vehicle the alcohol comes in does not matter; the end result of excessive alcohol intake is the same. I am not a physician and so cannot give medical opinions. However, the signs you specified (yellowish eyes, back pain, enlarged abdomen, swollen ankles), could be serious signs of medical complications from chronic, excessive alcohol use, such as liver damage and even cardiac problems. I strongly suggest that your husband get a thorough medical checkup, soon. As far as helping you, I suggest you consider attending meetings of Al-Anon, the 12 Step Program for those in a relationship with an alcoholic, http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html. There you will find support and information about how to help yourself and how not to play into the manipulative behaviors that all alcoholics display. Good luck to you. Check out my website for more help.
Jan Edward williams, MS, JD, LCADC
http://www.alcoholdrugsos.com

Question

Hello, I've been with my fiance for 6 years, and I always thought he was just a social drinker until about a year ago when we moved to MA and he started spending most of his time with his alcoholic sister, hanging out with her at strip clubs and sometimes not even coming home after a night out with her because he was too drunk. It came to the point that he became abusive towards me and our kids. At that point I knew it was time for tough love, so I broke up with him and changed all the locks. He cleaned up his act, went to AA meetings, stopped hanging out, and after a few months he moved back in with us. It's been only 2 months, and he's already started drinking again. He says it's different this time, that he knows his limit, and that he'll never put us through that again. He started with one beer, and is now up to four (and sometimes a shot or 2) twice a week. He also announced he'll be starting an entertainment business with his sister. I guess my question is the following: can he really control his drinking or should I expect his behavior to return? He says I'm being absurd because he hasn't been drinking a lot like he use to and that I'm just paranoid and anti social. Am I? I don't want to stick around until it gets worst but I also worry that he really did change and I will make a mistake.

Answer

Hello,
I must condition these comments by saying that they are based on the assumption that your fiance is an alcoholic; it certainly seems that he has a problem from the information you have provided, but it is difficult to make a definitive diagnosis without a thorough history. You have good instincts; trust them. You were correct in your earlier decision to use tough love on your fiance. It is extremely rare, almost impossible, for an alcoholic to return to social, non-problematic alcohol use. The alcoholic may be able to drink without losing control for a short period of time, but inevitably will, because of the nature of the disease, lose control and revert to the alcoholic behaviors previously evidenced. So, my answer, regrettably, is that you are undoubtedly correct that your fiance's alcoholism (assuming he is an alcoholic) will worsen. It sounds as if his period of sobriety and AA attendance were just motivated by his desire to not lose his relationship with you and that he has not yet internalized that he is an alcoholic and must abstain from alcohol completely. If you are unclear that he is an alcoholic, I can only say that time will tell. If he demonstrates any of the previous behaviors (staying out all night, becoming abusive), then the diagnosis will be clear. Good luck. Check out my website for further information and help.
Jan Edward Williams, MS, JD, LCADC
www.alcoholdrugsos.com

Question

I will try to make this as short as possible without leaving anything out. I have been married for 34 years to an alcoholic. He has quit several times only to go back again. beer mostly. 15 years ago he was into cocaine and alcohol and was very abuse both verbally and physically to me. I have called the police on him several times. I don't know why I stayed but I did.*** Things are better but he is still a closet drinker, hiding it from me and everyone else. He no longer physically abuses me but still verbally. very jealous, accuses me of everything etc***he usually gets very aggressive and starts fights and arguments with everyone and goes after me with his harsh words. I threatened to leave him several times and he swore he would give up the booze but I know he is still drinking. He denies it and covers it with lie after lie. I am at the point I need to do something. Please Help.

Answer

It is indeed painful and frustrating watching a loved one's drinking destroy himself and emotionally damage those who love him, and you have done so for all these years. You must be very weary from this long history of living with an alcoholic. Unfortunately, the power of the disease of alcoholism is such that rarely will any alcoholic decide to seek help and abstinence without negative consequences and usually a lot of pain, to him, not just those around him. Usually, the alcoholic's denial is such that he can rationalize that the only person he is hurting is himself (never true, of course). Denial and the power of addiction can cause the alcoholic to continue to drink in the face of the circumstances you describe. I offer denial and the power of addictive disease only as an EXPLANATION of your husband's hurtful behaviors, NOT as an excuse for them.

I have several suggestions. I suggest that you think about meeting with an interventionist (see, for example, http://www.intervention.com/; http://www.intervene.com/) to discuss an intervention to get your husband to agree to treatment, perhaps including your adult children in the process. One of the goals of an intervention would be to help your husband to develop an awareness at a feeling level of how his drinking has hurt you and his children. Treatment programs often will offer intervention services for free, but, of course, will guide the alcoholic to treatment in their particular facility.

No one can control whether an alcoholic drinks or how much the alcoholic drinks. I strongly suggest that you think about attending meetings of Al-Anon, http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/, the Twelve Step Program for persons who love an alcoholic, to learn how not to enable your spouse's continuing to drink, and for support for yourself. Good luck.
Jan Edward Williams, MS, JD, LCADC.

Question

Hi, i am trying to seek help for my problem. the problem is i am not an alcoholic so to speak. i do abuse alcohol by "binge drinking" when i do drink. i can go a month without drinking and with no cravings. but when i do decide to drink i cannot stop. i do many shots and get drunk to the point i blackout. also sometimes becoming violent and self destructive. the simple thing would be to say to just not have a drink. however what i would like is to find a program to learn how to have just a couple on special occasions like a "normal" person would. i don't know where i fit in. any advice?

Answer

First of all, I commend you for making the decision to address your alcohol problem. By acknowledging that your drinking is causing you problems, you have broken through a lot of the denial that prevents people from getting help. Let me just define alcoholism for you. Many alcoholics do not drink every day and are not physically dependent on alcohol (will have cravings and withdrawal when they stop). It is sometimes not as important how often (frequency) a person drinks, as what happens when the person drinks. Not drinking for a month or longer, while commendable, merely means that you are not physically dependent on alcohol. Physical dependence is not required for a definition of alcoholism. A pattern of loss of control, blackouts, behavior against values, and self-destructive behaviors, plus a high tolerance, strongly suggests that you may be one of those people who, though a periodic drinker and not physically dependent, may have to conclude that she is an alcoholic and that drinking is not a viable option. I do not have enough information (do you have a family history of alcohol problems?) to say that you cannot learn to moderate your drinking, but urge you to get a complete evaluation from an addictions professional, rather than look to find a program to moderate your drinking. There is a program for persons WHO ARE NOT ALCOHOLIC to help them moderate their drinking, but I hesitate giving you this information because from what you have said you may already be in the alcoholic category, as offensive as that idea may be. Good luck to you. .
Jan Edward Williams, MS, JD, LCADC.

Question

My husband has been an alcoholic in denial for many years and is a heavy drinker from 5pm until he has had his fill, eats, then sleep. This is EVERYDAY. Very seldom he will take a break for a few days, but that only lasts no longer than a week. My question is, when he gets up in the mornings and goes through his day without drinking, is he capable of comprehending a meaningful conversation as a sober person would? He is in his 60's and has been drinking like this since I have known him, for 30 years. I understand that you can't reason with a drunk, but with his history of alcohol in the evenings, can he understand the situation of things during the day while not drinking. He works fulltime during the day and seems normal to others. He never argues with me or is never verbally abusive with me during the day, only in the evenings while he's drinking. Thanks for an answer.

Answer

Hello,
First of all, I understand the pain and consequences you experience from living with an active alcoholic and suggest, if you have not already done so, that you consider attending Al-Anon, the 12 Step Program for persons in a relationship with an alcoholic: http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/, for support. To your question: Is an alcoholic who drinks until drunk every night, and has done so for many years, damaged to the point that he cannot comprehend his situation when not drinking? There are two reasons why my answer is: probably. One is the fact that the alcoholic's brain is affected adversely by such drinking to the point that it is unclear how much he may comprehend; there can be physical damage to the reasoning portion of his brain as well as to the memory portion of the brain. Alcohol and other drugs seriously disrupt the normal functioning of the brain, not only causing dysfunction in the action of feel good chemicals (neurotransmitters such as dopamine and serotonin) thereby producing craving and withdrawal problems, but also cause dysfunction in the ability of the brain to process, store, and use information. The second reason why he probably cannot truly understand when you confront him even when he is not drinking, is due to the power of denial in the addictive disease of alcoholism. For many reasons, the alcoholic is truly deluded about the reality of his drinking and how it affects him and those around him. It probably would take a significant period of abstinence (not just a week) for the alcoholic to clear up enough to be able to comprehend his problem, and even then treatment and 12 Step meetings may be needed for him to break through the denial. I regret that I must paint such a dismal picture, but I am describing the reality of alcoholism. Check out my website for more information, and consider attending Al-Anon. Good luck,
Jan Edward Williams, MS, JD, LCADC.