Princess Diana: “There were three of us at this wedding, so it was a bit crowded.” | Torque fillet | Chandrama Anderson



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By Chandrama Anderson

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About this blog: About this blog: I am an LMFT specializing in marriage counseling and mourning and have lived in Silicon Valley since 1969. I am the president of Connect2 Marriage Counseling. I worked in high-tech at Apple, Stanford University and in … (More)

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In the case of Princess Diana, the “third” was another woman. The clinical term for “third” is triangulation. Imagine a triangle in which you are each a point, and someone or something else is the third point. This means that you are not prioritizing each other since you are focusing on someone or something else.

Unfortunately, in many marriages there is a ‘third party’, whether it is an affair (emotional matters count too), work, children, in-laws, alcohol, drugs, electronics, hobbies, volunteering, Burning Man, even religion if it takes the majority of your focus. Any of these things, in moderation, are healthy (excluding illegal drugs).

In a relationship, you need to be the other’s top priority. There is a “line” (vs a triangle) between you, connecting you emotionally, mentally, physically and sexually.

Please take the time to determine if there is a “third party” in your relationship.
– Maybe you or your partner go to someone else’s house first to share the best and the worst of everyday life. It is triangulation.
– Maybe you or your partner spend so much time at work (or work at home) that you focus on the kids since he is not available (or maybe you focus so much on children that your partner has worked for longer since he does not). don’t feel valued and appreciated). They are “third parties”.
– Maybe your in-laws live with or near you, and your life revolves around them. It is a “third”, even if your culture has taught you that your elders come first. Find ways to honor that without letting it become a “third party.”
– If alcohol or drugs are your priority, please seek help for your addiction. It is a “third”. If you can stop what you consume / drink for a year, you may not need treatment. Consider why / when you are using it; keep a journal whenever you want. What happens when you feel like it? Resolve the underlying problem (s). A drink or two (not four or five), some cannabis (not stoned as often as possible) is not a problem. Maybe you use cannabis for pain, anxiety, sleep, or migraines. Watch yourself.
– If you’ve been reading Couple’sNet for a long time, you already know that I’ve seen devices split. It is a ‘third party’. Try to put them away before 8 p.m. and spend time together (walking, talking, watching a movie, going on a date, etc.)
– If you spend a lot of your “free” time at your hobby, you are not spending time together. It is a “third”. I’m not advocating spending all your time together. Prioritize your time together, then do your own thing.
– As noted above, if your volunteer activities eat away at opportunities for emotionally intimate connection, it is a “third party”. (If you don’t have an emotionally intimate moment together, act now.)
– If you love Burning Man in a way that excludes your partner, it’s a “third party”.
– I believe in the value of religion and spirituality. However, if this is your main goal, then your partner is not your priority. It is a third party.
– What else is on this list knowing your own life?

Remember the good times you spent together. What were you doing? Relax together over a good meal? Listen to music? Hiking or being in nature? Watching movies, going to the theater? Being silly together? Are you up to an “evil” plan to make the world a better place? Do more of whatever made you feel happy together.

If you are not interested in not having a third party, I offer couple consultations, pronto!

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